not to say i was ever far from here, switching between the past and the future, i have just sandwiched the reality into what i could call a suspended present - today i woke up, took a flight to a year later, made all this while my coffee was getting cold and still made it work during which i managed to listen only to my thoughts; things have happened and will continue to happen in this moment, but i’m helplessly wondering if there was more i could have done now; flipped through more pages and read more faces - apparently, all things are as they should be in this very second - truthfully, it deeply saddens me to think of the possibilities of the past time that will not happen back then; what was wasted if at all; what have i failed to see even if it was right in front of me? hey, listen, sometimes i forget i am deliberately blind, so i bite my tongue and tell a lie - i would rather be wrong and calm than right and upset as it is impossible to be silent, but i would rather not talk; i will flip and turn the conversations in my head unable to sleep, i will make attempts to clean my worries with each ice cold shower, i will let them dry in a rainy night, i will listen to you but hear solely what i want to hear, and i will write this with no intentions of having anyone ever read it - since you are reading at the moment, i should thank you for getting this far - on that note, i have dwelled here for some time and realised how easy it is to forget to eat your food while being frozen; the time swells up and hurts when it slowly moves but appears as it doesn’t, so the pain stays in place; conversely, any pain or duration is bearable to me, yet, vaguely, i am always ready to leave my efforts without looking back - you see what i am referring to when i leave a big question mark hanging above my head “was it all wasted?” - it’s a worry over lost effort rather than time, regret in the long term for trying to save things with the tremendous power and then a deep comfort in release when deciding to suddenly leave them behind in a matter of seconds … without a tear, without a word, or explanation to anyone what caused the instant change, i sleep soundly at night knowing i have to keep moving with the eternal struggle of settling and abandoning, dragging your roots on the run and feeling inferior to familiar smells that bring back memories with them, and they make me fearful of the future, i cannot wash them away, they stick to me like scars; in a world where babies are born with a flag rather than a placenta, none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; does it matter? i am tired; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; i still find it fascinating how fast my coffee gets cold - none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters; none of this matters;